7 Tips for a Healthy Break-Up

So, it’s been 9 weeks since Dave and I broke up, and I’ve reached the point where I am pretty much over him. (Mostly. Like 90%) I’ve reached the point, in fact, where I actually stopped counting down, and had to consult a calendar to figure out how long its been. (Much progress, considering we dated for 1.5 years, and I was totally head over heals for all of that time.)

It’s been an interesting two months, but I thought I would share my steps for getting though my break-up essentially unscathed:

Step 1. Remove Reminders
As I mentioned before, I have a super ridiculous memory for details and am a huge believer of “out of sight out of mind.” Generally speaking, for me, objects represent memories, and when I am going through something painful, I certainly do not benefit from having reminders laying around.

As soon as I broke up with Dave, literally minutes after, I boxed up all of the stuff that had to do with him and shoved it in the back of my storage closet under a whole bunch of stuff. I wasn’t quite ready to throw it all out, but nor was I tempted to dig it out anytime soon. This was definitely an important first step to get him out of my immediate thoughts.

Step 2. Eliminate Contact
Again, “out of sight out of mind.” And really, once you have broken up with your ex, there is no reason why you need to contact them. (Unless you were living together and must divvy up your stuff. In these situations, minimize the contact as much as possible.)

Eliminating contact was easy for me, as my phone broke (see the story of my broken cell phone for further detail), and so I did not have his number and so there was no chance of me drunk dialing him or sneaking a text (except when he freaking called me himself!).

My suggestion, obviously, would not be to break your phone, but to merely delete your ex’s number. If for some reason you think you might need that number in the future (The reason not being you “miss him,” but rather something along the line of “Hey, I’m pregnant with your baby, and I need child support.”) write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the box you hid in the recesses of your closet, and then do not dig it out unless you have a good reason. (Such as the above. )

In all honesty, the only good reason why you need to talk to you ex after you break-up is if there are children are involved. And then, even in these cases, limit conversation so it only deals with the logistics of raising said children and does not escalate into arguments or personal discussion.

Oh, and Facebook? Save yourself the trouble and quit being a stalker. Not only is it not good for you, it’s also kind of a waste of time, and will either result in jealousy: because you are seeing little signs that he is moving or will result in you feeling bad: because he seems all depressed and you can’t do anything about it.

Really, it’s best, I think, to cut him from your life at first and give yourself some time to move on. (If you don’t wan to defriend him, but don’t think you have the self-control to stop stalking, check out how to block a web page by changing your host file.)

Step 3: Cry When you Want To
Breaking up is hard. That’s why people have written all of these songs about it. In the last year, I have totally become a crier. (in part, due to my dissatisfaction with my relationship and how it was manifesting into my low self-esteem.) Like I was pretty much crying everyday, several times a day. When I broke up with Dave this continued.

I basically made a decision, that I would allow myself to cry. Whenever and whenever I wanted. Whether I was siting at my desk at work or working out at the gym or food shopping at the supermarket, if I felt the myself overcome with emotion and needed to let it out with tears I did.

And I felt much better for it. Holding back my feelings, I believe, is much more painful then letting them out. Once I gave myself permission, I found that I didn’t really need to cry that much at all. Aside from a few movies and whatnot, I haven’t felt like crying in weeks.

Step 4: Embrace That Breaking Up Was the Right Choice
Part of what allowed me to get past my relationship was completely owning my decision. I had broken up with Dave, and I knew that was the right choice for me. As doubts crept into my head when I was feeling sentimental for the good times or would feel a pang of remorse that our love (or I) was not enough, (total BS, because I am awesome) I would remind myself of all of the bad times led me to my decision to end things in the fist place. (Such as the fact that I felt less than worthy. Ah, head games.)

I knew that if we were to have gotten back together, nothing would have changed, I would ultimately feel bad about myself, and I was/am not willing to accept less than I deserve.

I realize that this can be tough, but if the choice was yours to break-up with your ex, do not second guess yourself. Chance are, you had already put in a lot of thought into your decisions beforehand. You had your reasons. Remember them. Don’t fall into the trap of looking back at thing through rose colored glasses. Unless your ex comes crawling back to you demonstrating real and sincere change , there’s no reason to hold onto the hope that things between you will work out down the line. Just let it go.

And if it you were the one that was dumped, and so you never actually wanted to not be with him, than you may need to work to convince yourself that is was for the best. In doing so, keep in mind the following:

1.) Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. It just didn’t work out
2) You do not need to be dating someone who even for a moment thought that they did no want to be dating you.
3.) You deserve someone fabulous, who thinks that you are even more fabulous.
4.) You will find this person, but only if you are able to get yourself disentangled from thoughts of your ex and move forward.

This lack of regret and confidence in my judgement allowed me to accept the finality of my relationship, and stopped me from going down the paths of “what ifs.” (And it also allowed me to say no, when he asked me back the very next day after breaking up.)

At the outset of the break-up, I pledged to learn from my mistakes in my past relationship, take with the good memories, release the bad ones, and prepare myself for the next stage of my love life, and so far I think it’s working out.

Step 5: Seek Out Your Friends and Family
Remember those people you used to hang out with before you had a boyfriend? Yeah, unless you had completely ignored them while you were in a relationship (partially guilty myself), then they will be there for you during your break-up.

Not only will spending time with them be a handy distraction from your failed relationship and newfound loneliness, they will also listen to you rehash the memories of your ex, hold you when you cry, and remind you how amazing you are. In short, they will be there for you in your time of need. (See the story of my Revlon tweezers for further detail of my own experiences with my friend Carol Anne cheering me up.)

Right now, your friends and family are the best things for you. You can enjoy some fun lighted hearted times, and while you do, you will be reminded of who you were before your relationship and how you can get that person back and be better than ever.

Step 6: Say “Yes”
Keeping busy is key. Now that you are no longer in a relationship, it is likely that you will find yourself with more free time—free time for which you could potentially end up spending mourning you singleness. Tying in with hanging out with your friends and family, you need to find activities to occupy yourself.

When people invite you to do things, whether they are asking you to go bar hopping or white water rafting or to volunteer at a homeless shelter, say “yes.” Even if it is something that you would not normally be interested in. Being around people will be good for you and challenging yourself with new activities, will at it’s worse, be something you can chalk up to experience, and at the best will make you feel stronger and more confident.

And if you want to stay in some items, that’s cool too but own it. Plan your night so you’re doing things you want to do like ordering take out, catching up on your magazines, taking a bath or renting a chick flick. Make your night an “event,” so you don’t fall back into negative thoughts about your lack of plans, such as “only boyfriendless losers stay in on a Saturday night.” Untrue.

If you’re looking for new things to do or ways to pamper yourself, you should totally check out daily deals websites like LivingSocial and Groupon for discounted ideas. (I’ve recently become pretty obsessed with all of the great offers myself and have gone a little purchase crazy.)

In general, try to do things that make you happy. You deserve it.

Step 7: Work On Inner-Self
I feel like even with the most self-assured individuals a break-up can still shake your confidence, and it’s important for you to get yourself back on solid ground. This process will be different for everyone.

For me, as a type-A individual, I decided to set various goals for myself, because I typically gain satisfaction from successfully achieving tasks. The goals varied in complexity, some were as small as clearing out the refrigerator, while other’s were larger, such as training myself to worry less and to relax. All of the goals were in the direction of getting my life in order, getting back in touch with myself, and reframing my mindset in a more positive direction.

The biggest goal has been weight loss. I decided to work on my outer-self, assuming that by “fixing” this outer part of me, inner satisfaction would follow, and since exercising out and eating better have overlapped with #5 and #6, and so it’s totally working out in my favor. (Plus, having a smoking hot bod can totally help me out with finding a new boyfriend when I’m ready. Awesome bi-product.)

And so that’s it. My 7 tips for a healthy break-up. I’m definitely no expert, but following this process has been instrumental in preparing me for my next great romance, (which I firmly believe is out there waiting for all of us, once we’ve gotten ourselves in the right place.) and I am pretty damn excited about it.